A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
