I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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