I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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