you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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