i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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