if i can run in heels then i can drive
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
