Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
