the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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