i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
