TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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