just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
