If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
