who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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