I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Found your dick twin last night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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