I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
