just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm bleeding and have questions
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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