My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
