I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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