And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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