I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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