when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
