I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
