well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
