I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
