wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
