when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
