My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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