so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
