I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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