I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
