There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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