My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
