To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
