i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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