I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
