Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
