Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize