Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
