Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
