You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
