God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
