I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
A bitchslap is in order.
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