I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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