you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
