Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
