It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
