Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
