My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
