The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is Oprah even human
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
