Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
