Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
