Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
