He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
