You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
