My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
