for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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