this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
